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turtlesandbeef
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read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: jana
Birthday: 10/13/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: the space around me... *twirls*
Expertise: boba
Occupation: Retired
Industry: Government
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/17/2005
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i am not coming back- end strong.
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| I feel heartbroken.
As if someone i genuinely and truly loved, without reason and without closure disclosed they had fallen out of love with me.i was caught off guard, i think that's what hurt most of all. i felt like we belonged together, that we understood each other, and the joint potential of who we could grow to be was limitless. i was so sure... I feel lost. unwanted. afraid. used. vulnerable. weak. responsible. guilty. immature. bitter.angry. broken. confused. My life no longer looks familiar and everyone feels like a stranger. I feel like i have lost whatever naive sense of hope i once had. And yet a part of me tortures the rest by clinging to the remains of what we once had. like a political relationship we parade around seemingly unchanged, public moral depends upon our lie. in these past months i have grown to hate you and who i am with and without you. You have already taken my all- 3 more months i will not leave you, but those 3 months is all i can give you.
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| when Ryan gets stressed he takes it out on his car.
When I get stressed I take it out on myself.
.......
I do not believe happiness is a given. in fact i feel like you have to work really really hard to find happiness. It makes me sad to admit that this is what is missing from my life at the moment. When i think about it, it makes sense. i don't really put myself first, or make time for myself. i always feel like there is time, that i can "take care of myself" when i have spare time. i've also never seen it as an issue before. happiness has always been linked with the relative ideologies of my responsibilities. A kind of a 'as long as you're ok i must be ok' mentality. The past 2 years have felt like one long dragged out breakup. it hurts, but in a twisted way there is love in the hurt. Um, another set of issues, but anyways, where i am right now is trying my best to figure what is actually real, and what i needed to be real. it's been extremely frustrating. I don't have time for these "feelings" but i may numb myself from being able to feel this opportunity again, so i must take advantage. So on my mind tonight is my lack of outlets... and how important these outlets are. I wish i could say taiko, dance, friends, and family were my outlets, but i can't. I don't have a hobby free of responsibility. there is a great need to reconnect to everything. It is so important that you "upkeep-" make time for you friends and make the time for yourself, and to remind yourself why you do the things you do, cause i think you'll find that you find yourself in your choices. I have taken all of these connections for granted.
ART!? What i am missing from my life is expression. now more than ever i am seeing it more as a necessity rather than a luxury...To a flaw i pride myself over the 5 boxes filled with ads, textured papers, bright scraps of all sorts, the collection of shinny object i have stored for 'later use..' 5 boxes i have not touched in 4 years in the name of perfection. I live in a room of unfinished projects. I am a collector not a creator. I have found myself waiting... and waiting for time. funny how it is I who create it. i no longer understand what i am waiting for. the urge to create, to play is self destructive to suppress. Music, dance, painting, sketching, singing, moving, writing.... creating, is a direct means of self verification that we exist and a tangible manifestation to the claim that we are what we are. name your outlet, so you can call on it when lost.
things seem to have gotten kinda worse, but we are trying. cannot elaborate at the moment. there are some shinny things, and they keep me going.
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| it's been a while. i was hoping to be at a more stable point before posting again. but i am sick of looking at this book and thought i would update little. life has been objective lately. i saw Akiko's concert Saturday and it made me cry for some reason. i really miss the way things were. i more miss the person i was- still am? I have been going to church allot more in search of faith. I feel exactly how i felt my senior year of high school, though a bit more self aware. it's scary to note how much i have remained unchanged. i am taking many GE classes this quarter and i find myself getting extremely jealous of the youth of the 1st years in my classes. i have perfected my life to flaw. this ordained inability to enjoy my life for what it is and the people within it is inconveniencing others and jeopardizing my future. At this rate i feel myself getting tied down allot faster than planned for pure need of purpose. i have been throwing around the idea of leaving America as soon as i can before i develop a reason to stay. there is allot of circular logic creating knots in my head and fucking up "the game plan." I do view whatever this state is as life altering and important, though it has been a struggle finding a justification to fight. I have engaged in many recent activities in an attempt to feel, many of which have ended in frustration and further questions. i promised myself, my friends, and my family that i would take it easy my last year... this quarter i find myself doing everything and then some. i'm not sure if i enjoy it. but it's just what i'm used to, and it makes my life easier. i've been like this for 7 years and it's a difficult pattern to break. though the scary thing i've come to realize is that it has been 7 years since i have felt like a part of anything. what gain is there in faking the longest orgasm of your life? it has become extremely hard for me to articulate how i feel. and even harder to understand what i am feeling. the Post college light brings new hope, but what i need is appreciation now. My whole life i have been hiding behind my schedule and postponements. yet, now aware, i find myself trained too well. everything is right in front of me i can logically see it and explain it, the problem at the moment is that i am failing to feel it. there are many things i need to work on before i graduate. this takes precedence over my degree. it is not my degree that will change the world- though social statistics dictate otherwise.
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